"I am way too pretty to be this much of a booty call."
That's what you say when a boy asks if you want to "hangout later", your drunk ass ends up at his house at 1:27am, and he is trying to kick you out at 1:52. Next, you refuse to leave, and try to convince him that he can just take you with him to pick up his friends at the bar. You don't really want to go, but a lesson needs to be taught. Whining and bitching should continue for at least ten minutes. I managed to go for about 17.
"I'm just going to stay here and wait for you then."
"The thing is, i'm not coming back right away. Like we are going to go somewhere else and continue drinking."
"Oh perfect, I'll just go with you there too."
"Were not like in a relationship or anything..."
"Ew. Ew. I know that. I'm not trying to date you."
"Well I'm just not the kind of guy who will bring a girl around his friends when were not dating."
Oh boy. THAT was not the right response.
"You're not the kind of guy who can bring a girl you're not dating somewhere with you, but you find it perfectly acceptable to insert your penis into her vagina."
Uncomfortable shifting from one foot to the other.
"You're a piece of shit."
"I'm really not! I know this is sounding so much worse than it actually is."
"No, no you're definitely a piece of shit."
It is absolutely essential that you say these things in a non joking manner, but also in a way that conveys you're not really concerned what a piece of shit said boy is, you just find it necessary to inform him.
"I really have to go"
It's now 2:03. His friends are officially no longer in the bar because it is closed, and you haven't made a single move towards putting on your shoes. Do your best not to laugh when you see how desperately piece of shit boy wants you to leave.
"I mean were you planning on snuggling and having breakfast in the morning?"
"I love breakfast."
"We should hangout sometime when we are both sober. Like tomorrow?"
Ah, bargaining with lies. That was slick.
"I just can't believe you are doing this right now. I'm too pretty for this."
More uncomfortable shifting.
You're probably going to run out of arguments soon, so it is acceptable to begin putting your shoes on at this point. Slowly though. Make it a chore. Do it with class.
Relief. That's what you will see on his face when he sees you making this progress. He must not be allowed to think he has won though.
"Whatever, I need to get home anyways. My dog probably misses me."
Good one.
Do not leave the house angry. Snarky is okay. You won't see this boy tomorrow, and you probably won't ever get invited back now that he knows you're not as easy to throw out as he had hoped, but you can't let him think you actually cared enough to have any real emotion about it. Because you don't.
One of the best things in life is making people uncomfortable. Especially when they deserve it. Especially when they have somewhere to be. I've heard practice makes perfect. Watch out, boys.
